Change And Balance

It sort of bothers me when people get upset over someone “changing” (for the better) for someone else
Why are you upset over them finding someone worth bettering their life for?
They better their life because they care about that person
They dont care enough about themselves, so why change solely for themselves?
Sad, but true.
You may think the point is still ridiculous, but hear me out
It’s okay to change, everyone “changes”
Change is spectacular,  I support it and recommend it
Especially if it is for the better
So what if you’re party friend is starting to ditch the drugs and alcohol and spending a little more time home, safe, with her boyfriend?
Yeah, I admit that some people take it to another level and have their head too far up their boyfriend/girlfriend’s ass and never make time for their friends
That’s where balance needs to come in
Change and balance are very important
But change for the better really shouldn’t be scolded

Just some thoughts.




“I,  not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which  it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one  day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

Today I had a sudden realization that I choose my own fate. I mean I guess I always kind of new that, but today I decided is the day I take control of my own life. I decided today I would be happy. No over sleeping, no feeling sorry for myself, and absolutely no pills. I woke up at about 8:30 a.m. and just cuddled with my boyfriend for about 30 minuets. I got out of bed and put some clothes on and made breakfast for my boyfriend. I then proceeded to make my boyfriends dinner for while he was at work since he usually isn’t home until 11 p.m. I watched a little Grey’s Anatomy with my boyfriend. He jumped in to watch it in the middle of season 2, so it was fun trying to explain all the characters and drama in the show. We laughed together, and I mean really laughed. The kind of laugh where eyes light up like they did when you were a kid. For the first time in a long time Edward, my boyfriend, looked into my eyes with a smile on his face and said to me, “God Sam, you’re just so damn beautiful. I love you.”. That made me happy. He told me I am his best friend, and he reminisced on old memories of us, and told me all the things he was thinking when we first started talking. It was like for the first time in a long time I felt like things were getting better and that I was going to be okay. Maybe it is that I am finally thinking clearly, or maybe it is him. Maybe ever since I told him the truth about my depression and my drug abuse he has realized he is the one thing that makes me happy. Brad Pitt put it pretty damn well, “the woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.” The full quote is actually quite beautiful. So I will share it with you at the end incase you would like to read it. I remember Ed would always say how he missed the old me, but he never understood that not only did they way he loved me changed as well as my whole life had changed in a matter of a couple of months. I was pregnant. Being a mother is the only thing I was ever sure I wanted in my life, and yes I was only eighteen but I would have done everything to give that child the things I wasn’t able to. I would have been an amazing mother, and I loved that unborn child more than I had ever loved anything else. I had everyone telling me I wasn’t ready for motherhood, my response was always “Is anyone ever truly ready to be a first-time parent?”. When I was departed from my precious unborn baby I hated myself. It was a while before I spoke openly about it almost everyone except a very limited amount of people. I think he finally realized that as stubborn and self-reliant I am that I need him. Anyway I just wanted to let our few followers know that today I was happy. It felt nice. I hope it lasts. Here is the Brad Pitt quote I hope you read it, and if you do I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did.

A Secret of Love

“My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, was constantly crying. She was not happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning; got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of brake up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped take care of herself. She refused shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.”
Brad Pitt


What is happiness? If you look it up in the dictionary it is defined as “a state of well-being and contentment”, or “a pleasurable or satisfying experience” according to Webster’s Dictionary. What is happy? The one definition that stands out to me is “feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.”. Those two words are the exact reason I love to look up the meaning of words. I can have happiness in my life without ever being happy. Happiness is the experience the being of happy for a short period of time. I experience happiness on a regular basis. I felt happy when I had the chance to hold my nephew for the first time, all the times I got off the train and saw my best friend was just as excited as I was, I feel happy nearly every time my boy friend gets off work and wraps his arms around me in our bed, and I was happy when waited 3 minutes to see the pregnancy test said yes. Although I was happy at those moments they were all taken from me. One way or another I had to let go of those moments that once made me feel alright. I remember in science class teachers would always saw how our species is the most evolved out of any other species. We are so much more intelligent than any other thing on our whole entire planet. They say we should be proud of ourselves because of how far we have came, and privileged that we are human. Sometimes I wonder if they forget the cons of our species. Our feelings are much more intensified than any other species. When we are sad there is sometimes no control over that feeling. We may even tell ourselves that we deserve to be happy and that we want to stop just laying in the bed all day, but we can’t control it. I watched the documentary “Dark Fish” on Netflix, and while watching it I kind of thought maybe we are like whales in a way. Whales form an unbelievable bond with their pods. When one whale is gone it is literally like they’re in pain, like they have lost a part of themselves. That is how it is for me. When I feel someone I care about is slipping from me it is literally like I am in pain. Like this huge part of who you are who has lived in your heart is being ripped out of you, so you feel the loss in the worst way possible. It is even worse when you look at them and it is like it doesn’t even bother them. When you look in the mirror you can see in your eyes and the way your carry yourself that this pain has changed you, and that you’re not the same person. People start to notice that when you laugh your eyes no longer light up, and when you get out of bed that your outlook on yourself is no longer the same. Somewhere something changed you. Was it the pain or was it the things people have said to you. Deep down you know you’re not stupid, you know you aren’t ugly, and you know you’re worth something, but for some reason you start to believe it. When you look at that pill bottle you wonder what others would feel if you just took a few more than you usually do. You wonder if people would be sad, and then just go on with their lives. Because when you think about loosing someone who is important to you, you can’t ever imagine being ok again. You just stare at that pill bottle and keep debating if today will be the day that you go to sleep and never wake up. If today will be the day the pain and sadness ends. Then you take two and walk away, because you have always been the person ho cares more about others than you do yourself. You think maybe my mother would drink herself to death, my dad would work himself to death, my sister would feel alone, my best friend would feel betrayed, my grandparents would be disappointed, my brother would wonder if maybe he could have helped, and my boy friend would wonder how I expected him to just move on and fall in love with someone else. Even if they would be ok you can’t risk hurting the ones you love. Why can’t these feelings just go away? Why can’t I feel normal? Why am I always so confused? I just want to be high all the time, so I don’t feel anything. I just want to be okay. I feel like I only have a few people who will have my back my best friend, my sister, and sometimes my boy friend, Sadly the only one who is in close enough distance to help me is my boy friend. How do I tell my boy friend that I take pills all the time to feel ok? How do I tell him that I have nearly relapsed? That the only time I don’t take pills is when I am with him because I know how he would react. I don’t blame him. Who would wants a drug addict as a girl friend? I have to tell him. I need to stop lying to people I love, and people who love me. I’m not alright, and I need someone to help work through this.


And it doesn’t help that my body’s cold and my bones ache, the tears are burning hot as they rapidly glide down my face
And the world is empty, just like my heart and my stomach
But my mind is full of the terrors and “dreams”…(if I believed in nightmares, that would be the more appropriate term)
Dreams that hold the key to the closed doors that the largest secrets reside behind
And I can’t tell whose skeletons in the closet terrify and hurt me more
You can’t just let them go when their bony fingers clutch your wrists and hold your throat as soon as you wake
So you’re petrified in your sleep, where you should keep your escape, and you’re suffocating in reality
All you want is someone to hold you and say, “I’m here for you,” which is something you have never experienced without the unignorable hint of coldness and tainted sympathy
But all you get is, “fight the fear but embrace the pain,” which is probably what you need
But you can’t ignore the gaping whole in your heart and the deep pit in your stomach

And that loneliness is just as much of a fear as reliving my past.



I’m standing next to you

I’m screaming out to you


Why can’t you answer?

Just one simple gesture


I don’t know why you’re crying

Why are you pacing around?


A nurse comes to you very sympathetic

I’m trying to pull you off the floor


You’re saying “she can’t be gone”

You just started a life with her


Who is “her”?

What is going on?


Finally it hits me

I’m gone


To much unhappiness I suppose

Trying to distract myself from reality


You walk to a room and I follow

I’m hooked to a machine just to keep me breathing


You’re holding my hand as you say goodbye

I can see that you’re trying your hardest not to cry


I wish I could be there to tell you that you don’t have to be strong

I want to lay your head on my chest while I play with your hair


You kiss my cheek as they pull the plug

You whisper in my ear one last time


“You were my best part of my life”

“I will forever be in love with you”


They tell you it’s time to go

You’re starting to shake from the shock


Finally you let go of my hand

You look back one time before you see my face one last time


I feel myself fading away

faster and faster then nothing


Darkness, I this all there is?

Missing the one you love?


I’m hoping this is all a horrible dream

Maybe I’ll wake up and I’ll be back into your arms


But that’s not how death works

When you’re gone it over and you’re just gone.


I’m gone.

Simply Complicated

Simplicity scares me. And maybe life scares me, too.
If I find simplicity,  is that all there is?
If what I find there is all simple and everything was as it presented itself, is that it? What a disappointment. 
Or is the simplicity something that I can’t imagine until I’m there. Like a color or a number that doesn’t exist that you know of?
Or will simple be like these thoughts that I can easily put together without any real thinking, just less stress for it to seem so complicated? Is this simple, without the questions and the doubt?

Just some of my usual passing thoughts to express my mental exhaustion.



Ever since I was a child I have had a life of unhappy endings. I know that I could have a lot worse, but that does not make me feel any better, and as horrible as this may sound it does not make me any more greatful for my shitty life. Sometimes when life gets me down I call my sister because she is the only person who felt most of the pain that I have felt. I also tend to call my best friend because sadly she has had a pretty shitty life as well. It’s like we find comfort in knowing we aren’t the only ones. When I was in my early teens I remember finding happiness in drugs and alcohol, or so I thought. I remember when I started drinking. I would just sit there taking shots of what ever was available until I eventually threw up from alcohol consumption, and then wait until four in the morning when I climbed in my bedroom window so my Dad didn’t know I left. Eventually drinking was nothing. I hardly felt a thing anymore when I drank. I talked perfectly, walked in straight lines, and climbed in my window without falling out. That also meant it stopped masking my pain. I drank more and more. On nights when no one had parties I would sit in my room and try to drink myself to sleep, but nothing. Eventually I heard of these amazing pills call “Molly”. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I was worried. I saw what people were like when they let drugs become to important. They let it take over their lives and eventually they don’t even remember the person they used to be. I went to a party the first time I ever popped pills, aside from painkillers me and my friends used to steal from her drunk Grandma. Some guy I didn’t even know handed me 2 pills and told me if I take I feel the best I ever had in my life. I held them tightly in my hand walked into the bathroom and opened my fist and just looked at them. My first thought was, “What if it is date rape?”. Then I thought what if I take this and never want to stop. What if I forget the person my family loves. What if I am no longer my families little girl anymore. Then I realized I wasn’t, and I hadn’t been her in a long time. They thought I was, but I had been pretending to be their little happy girl for years. I wasn’t happy at all. So I figured all I had to loose was my counterfeit self I had only kept being for my family. So I knew in that moment it was ok. I took it. You know what I was actually happy. Imagine that every feeling you have is intensified by like a hundered. You finally have that feeling that you haven’t had the joy of having since you were a child. You feel alive, like absouletly nothing can stand in your way. I’m pretty sure people knew I was “rolling”, because they kept commenting on how my eyes looked crazy. Your eyes get super dialated when you take Molly. Anyway by the time I got home the pill had pretty much worn off. I was pretty cranky. Nearly everything bothered me. I ended up calling up a friend and she said I could take more or just smoke some weed to relax my self so I smoked. After that pills had became my best friend. Every time I was with friends I was I high. When I wasn’t with friends I was usually high too. So I was pretty much always high or drunk. My Dad finally figured out some of what was going on. He knew about the sneaking out and going to parties with guys and people way older than me. He up and made the decision to move. His plan worked pretty well. I pretty much stopped doing all drugs except smoking weed, and drinking every so often. After a while I made some new friends who didn’t do the things I used to do, so the amount I did the things I used to do lowered over time. Eventually I stopped everything and spent all my time with my three friends Megan, Andrew, and Thomas. After a series of unfourtante events I spent nearly all my time with my best friend Megan. For a while I was somewhat content, but I felt like something was missing from my life. So I moved to Chicago with my mom. I made some friends dated a guy. I felt like I was living a normal teenage life, but that wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t just want normalcy. I was regretting my decision of moving with my Mom. I had lived with my Dad my whole entire life. I missed my sister I had never been so far from her. I missed my Grandparent’s and my best friend. My relationship was bullshit. I didn’t even love the guy, but for some reason I stayed longer than I should have. My friends were all fake. I just wasn’t happy. At all. Eventually I left my boyfriend and started talking to my current boyfriend, Edward. He was the first guy that held me in his arms and I felt like he truly wanted me there and no one else ever again. He wanted to spend all of his time with me. He said he was in love with me and I knew he meant it. The past two years with this boy have been crazy. I dropped out of higschool, moved in to my boyfriends parents, moved into my stepsisters, moved back into my Mom’s, back into my boyfriend’s parents, back to my stepsister’s, and am now back to my boyfriend’s parents. I also got my GED. My boyfriend and I broke up countless times and got back together, We both slept with other people and still stayed together through all our mistakes. Pretty much every person who I ever trusted betrayed me. So needless to say my life hasn’t been great. I have realized how much I hate my life and myself for various reason. The other day I decided to except the fact that I have depression. When I was younger I never wanted to tell my Dad because we couldn’t afford the doctor visits and medication and therapist visits.The other day I called my Mom and told her, “Mom I know you don’t believe me, but i think I have depression. I need the medical card.” So I made the decision to talk to my doctor. I told my Mom some bullshit story about how he wants me to be more active and that was it. Which was true he did say that, but he always said I am depressed. I don’t want my family or my boyfriend to know that I have depressionand that I have to take pills and talk to a person to help make me normal. They knew I thought I was depressed, but it is different when I am. I accept that I have depression. I accept that I have never have had a normal life. I accept that I have a hard time handling my issues. I accept that when I put my trust and love into someone and they break it even the slightest it hurts me to the point of breaking down, and when I break down it is nearly impossible for me to pick back up my peices. I hope now that I have accepted some of my problems I can work toward bettering my mental health. I love the people that are important in my life, and I want to be happy for them.