10 Seconds Too Long

Some days I love who I am
And some days I’m terrified that I’ll be this way forever
I’m feel so obligated to hold everyone up, but jesus, my arms are giving out and I’m not going to let them go numb
I watched the love of my life turn into a monster and I find myself still crawling back under the bed for some delusional comfort
Without feeding my sickness, I’m a time bomb
Do you want to see me fucking detonate?
Stop telling me that it’s going to be okay because people use it like it’s an absolute of something soon, but “soon” doesn’t save me from mentally holding myself underwater 10 seconds too long
And you know what?
It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to be ashamed of how many times you went back to that person
Just snap the fuck out of it and go with your gut, stop opening your mouth and swallowing the bullshit
Spit it out, stick your fingers down your throat if you have to

I don’t know what to believe anymore
Everyone tells me to trust them, but after everything, I don’t see how I can
I’m trying to figure myself out
It’s okay to be selfish
It’s okay not to make any damn sense