He says that I don’t remember a lot about when we first got together
And he’s right, I don’t
I don’t remember a lot about my whole life, actually
I need pictures and reminders
Do you know why?
Because I was in a dark place for 18 years until I met him
Then he made mistakes and I was back to being dark
Dark places cause you to open ugly doors just for some light
You do damaging things
But dear god, I remember the exact date that we met and knowing from the moment that he and I sat outside his friend’s house to smoke that he’d be special to me
I remember how free that I felt when I opened up to him that night and every night after that
I remember how I felt and what he tasted like when we first kissed and how unbelievable terrified that I was because I knew that I was going to fall in love with him
I remember feeling love for the first time
I remember what we were doing when I looked into his eyes and saw how they’d changed; I could see that he was falling for me- I remember how warm that they were
I remember the way that his body felt with mine and how it fit like a puzzle piece and created the most beautiful masterpiece
I remember the inexplicable magic that came with every kiss; it never ended
I remember how much that I missed him even when I’d just left only a minute prior
I remember how the love that I felt for him overflowed my chest

I remember when the look in his eyes stopped being warm
When he stopped letting me all the way in
When sex became just sex
When he stopped trying
When he became someone else

I remember. Fuck, do I remember.
I remember feeling shattered.



Trick Candles

Falling in love with me is the easy part
I know that my eyes are blue and green for a reason; they were made for people to see the world in
You’ll see my words as stars and make constellations with my thoughts and see my mind as a galaxy and you’ll all of a sudden be interested in astronomy all over again
Staying in love with me is the hard part
When you finally realize what happens on the way to connecting the dots, you’ll see that every path has confusion and I’m not good with directions so I’ll send you in circles
The universe is infinite as far as we know
And we’ll never be able to understandably explain space and time and I’m on my own schedule
Sometimes I forget that the world keeps moving and clocks keep ticking even when I put my compassion on pause
And that scares people
People would get bored with asking the same questions every day that can’t be answered with a single response
I’m not a black abyss but I light fires that burn out and I lose my mind over trick candles
And I have thoughts that are dead and left behind but still burn bright to the unaware
You can make a wish upon a thought but somewhere it’s nonexistent and somewhere it causes destruction
I’m the most interesting redundancy
I’m an unanswerable question
Love is a word to a definition, but words aren’t enough for me and actions speak louder but my vision is shitty and I don’t understand the point of it all