Small Town Diaries (Pt. 1)

This small town is so lonely
The streets are empty but overpopulated by desperate sighs for companionship
We fill in the ringing of loneliness in our ears with good music
But good music is only good company until it gets inside of you and then you’re alone once again
My only partner in impossible opportunity for crime used to be whatever I knew would hit my bloodstream first, but I wanted to keep the company of my sanity, so I welcomed loneliness to the seat next to me once again and wrapped my arm around it, placing my detoxing heart in between us
It is possible to regret letting go of an addiction, but I didn’t know what else to use the last of my strength on
You could say that I had no idea that using my last ounce of fight on something that made me feel on top of the world would open the door for such a strength to walk charmingly into my life
I want so badly to go back to my roots, but I have a bad habit of never returning any of its calls for me

~Megan

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Quiet Fire

I could hold as many grudges as I want with incredibly good reason, but then how in the world would I have any room to hold on to the wonderful things?
The look in your eyes says marvelous things, but then your actions speak some sort of foreign language
And your aura… it is like shaky hands
Just let me hold them tightly so I can reassure you that time is of the essence, yes, but so is taking life moment by every miniscule to grand moment
I am miss black lung and buzzing head
Miss enigmatic open book and big broken heart
Miss captivating eyes and busted sense of self
I may be nearly blind, but I see clearly in hindsight
And I don’t need 20/20 vision to see right into your soul
Don’t even waste your time on underestimating the flames of a quiet fire, because, one day, that spark from my touch will light up your life
I have scorched earth in my luminescent blue and green eyes but I have a soft spot for boys with a warm gaze who taste like cigarettes and don’t ask me to let them love me

~Megan

Shattered

He says that I don’t remember a lot about when we first got together
And he’s right, I don’t
I don’t remember a lot about my whole life, actually
I need pictures and reminders
Do you know why?
Because I was in a dark place for 18 years until I met him
Then he made mistakes and I was back to being dark
Dark places cause you to open ugly doors just for some light
You do damaging things
But dear god, I remember the exact date that we met and knowing from the moment that he and I sat outside his friend’s house to smoke that he’d be special to me
I remember how free that I felt when I opened up to him that night and every night after that
I remember how I felt and what he tasted like when we first kissed and how unbelievable terrified that I was because I knew that I was going to fall in love with him
I remember feeling love for the first time
I remember what we were doing when I looked into his eyes and saw how they’d changed; I could see that he was falling for me- I remember how warm that they were
I remember the way that his body felt with mine and how it fit like a puzzle piece and created the most beautiful masterpiece
I remember the inexplicable magic that came with every kiss; it never ended
I remember how much that I missed him even when I’d just left only a minute prior
I remember how the love that I felt for him overflowed my chest

I remember when the look in his eyes stopped being warm
When he stopped letting me all the way in
When sex became just sex
When he stopped trying
When he became someone else

I remember. Fuck, do I remember.
I remember feeling shattered.

~Megan

Trick Candles

Falling in love with me is the easy part
I know that my eyes are blue and green for a reason; they were made for people to see the world in
You’ll see my words as stars and make constellations with my thoughts and see my mind as a galaxy and you’ll all of a sudden be interested in astronomy all over again
Staying in love with me is the hard part
When you finally realize what happens on the way to connecting the dots, you’ll see that every path has confusion and I’m not good with directions so I’ll send you in circles
The universe is infinite as far as we know
And we’ll never be able to understandably explain space and time and I’m on my own schedule
Sometimes I forget that the world keeps moving and clocks keep ticking even when I put my compassion on pause
And that scares people
People would get bored with asking the same questions every day that can’t be answered with a single response
I’m not a black abyss but I light fires that burn out and I lose my mind over trick candles
And I have thoughts that are dead and left behind but still burn bright to the unaware
You can make a wish upon a thought but somewhere it’s nonexistent and somewhere it causes destruction
I’m the most interesting redundancy
I’m an unanswerable question
Love is a word to a definition, but words aren’t enough for me and actions speak louder but my vision is shitty and I don’t understand the point of it all

~Megan

Gone In Sixty Seconds

Everyday is an array of all of my worst emotions
I can yell and cry my goddamn eyes out
But then a minute later I can’t breathe and I am a statue and I just start to fade
He’s on the way to school and he’s in my head
I lie awake at night, drifting off to the thought of him and I and him and someone else and I roll over to find him not lying in my bed
It’s 3a.m. and I start sobbing and 9a.m. and I just want his arms around me
3 in the afternoon and I can’t open my eyes while I’m on the road but I just want him out of my head
He’s in my head telling me not to go to class
I can’t shake it but I want to so bad
But I don’t want to forget a single moment
He is the smoke in my lungs andthe shake in my hands
And the reason why speeding up on a sharp curve makes more sense than two plus two
I want so badly to run up to him and scream, “I fucking love you”
But he tells us both that it’s for the best
And I can still feel what it was like to fall asleep with my head on his chest
And I can’t, I fucking can’t  accept that he was just another lesson
Over a year of my life gone in sixty seconds

~Megan

Through the Broken Branches and Hidden Snake Holes

I’m the road less traveled by that people give up on because the beaten path ends
And they see me as a dead end
But if only they’d be willing to push past the branches and brave through the the thorns
Not every rose has its thorns
But through the broken branches and hidden snake holes is the place unable to comprehend yet to the open minded but unprepared
The place where you are safe to scream and make a fool of yourself
The place where the beauty hurts
Where love never had to be discovered but was already there
A crumbled wall surrounds the seemingly endless perimeter
Making stepping stones to higher places and understanding

~ Megan