Tag Archives: loss

Diary of the Girl Who Everyone Wants

I see a lot of posts about girls and women wanting to be the embodiment of desire:

To be the girl who is guaranteed a second glance, or a few, when they walk past men and women: not realizing that feeling like you’re constantly under a fucking microscope, that having more good days than bad sure as hell makes people think that a rough day for you gives them an open invitation to make commentary about your appearance, that even on your good days, someone is staring at you picking apart every single flaw that you are already fully aware of, yourself.

The girl who sweeps a sad boy off of his feet, after the girl who he thought that he was going to marry shattered his heart, and makes him feel better: not realizing that I don’t go home after “going home” with him and know that I’m the one who his heart longs for. I’m just a body. A good time. A fucking distraction, but not simply human. I’m the one who makes him feel special for a week, until she makes him heartsick again because the way that I delicately exhaled my cigarette reminded him of the way that he first kissed her lips 9 months ago on the same porch swing.

I hear complaints wrapped all in between longing about how these people don’t want to be just another face in the crowd, another wallflower, another body filling up the room: not realizing that I’d kill to blend it, to be looked over, to be lost in the crowd like I’m lost in my own fucking head. Overlook me, merely just as a passerby and not like you overlooked my budding feelings for him and him and the boy before that.

How they want to be the ultimate objects of lust: not realizing that I’m so sick and disgusted with being solely an object. I’m a huge step up from their hand, but I might as well be because he’s even less emotionally connected to me than he is to himself. I don’t want lust, oh my god, I want to scream, is what I want. Lust has no mercy and in turn, neither do I. But I want to love, maybe, and to be loved. To feel special for longer than a goddamn week only to be dropped faster than a dried out pen when he’s in a hurry to write down his feelings for her.

How they want to be the one who people have jealous conversations about as they walk away from flashing a smile and looking whomever is undressing them with their eyes up and down: not realizing that I want to wear anything, everything, without being looked at like an expensive suit that he’s looking to buy on his first date with the girl that’ll make his heart skip a beat when she’ll first call him “baby.” Or like the porn star who he fantasizes about when they get into a fight and he’s sleeping alone for a while. I’m looking them up and down to read their body language, hoping that, maybe this time, it won’t be so confident and obvious of their one sided intentions.

The one who seduces with a effortless smirk and makes breaking hearts look as mechanical as breathing: not knowing that I smirk because I don’t know how to smile and holy hell what I’d give to genuinely be able to, once. I’d love to even remember the last time that I did and didn’t feel guilty for it. And I wish that I didn’t break a single heart in my lifetime but it seems like the only thing that I’m ever able to reciprocate with my completely septic heart and rotten intentions and terrifying mind.

Babe, do you even realize just what in the hell that you’re asking for? What the fuck that you’re wasting your hours day dreaming about?

I can imagine that when it hits you that this is coming from the girl who “everyone wants,” that I won’t get much sympathy; but baby, I’m not asking for that nor do I need it.

I just want you to be careful what you wish for.

If someone would’ve told me that wishes do come true, I would’ve ran like hell away from all of those 11:11’s and shooting stars and pathetic prayers. 

Love, the girl who everyone wants but the girl who nobody loves

~Megan

I Do It For You

And I’m aware that the bottles don’t empty themselves
But I’ll pour it up and mix it up and sip on whatever that would be collecting dust on the shelves
I’ll lose you in my life if that’s the price that I have to pay for you to stop losing yourself
I wish that I could lie and tell you that I don’t love you more than myself
But I have to pour out something once more…
I love you more than anyone else

~Megan

Shattered

He says that I don’t remember a lot about when we first got together
And he’s right, I don’t
I don’t remember a lot about my whole life, actually
I need pictures and reminders
Do you know why?
Because I was in a dark place for 18 years until I met him
Then he made mistakes and I was back to being dark
Dark places cause you to open ugly doors just for some light
You do damaging things
But dear god, I remember the exact date that we met and knowing from the moment that he and I sat outside his friend’s house to smoke that he’d be special to me
I remember how free that I felt when I opened up to him that night and every night after that
I remember how I felt and what he tasted like when we first kissed and how unbelievable terrified that I was because I knew that I was going to fall in love with him
I remember feeling love for the first time
I remember what we were doing when I looked into his eyes and saw how they’d changed; I could see that he was falling for me- I remember how warm that they were
I remember the way that his body felt with mine and how it fit like a puzzle piece and created the most beautiful masterpiece
I remember the inexplicable magic that came with every kiss; it never ended
I remember how much that I missed him even when I’d just left only a minute prior
I remember how the love that I felt for him overflowed my chest

I remember when the look in his eyes stopped being warm
When he stopped letting me all the way in
When sex became just sex
When he stopped trying
When he became someone else

I remember. Fuck, do I remember.
I remember feeling shattered.

~Megan

Gone In Sixty Seconds

Everyday is an array of all of my worst emotions
I can yell and cry my goddamn eyes out
But then a minute later I can’t breathe and I am a statue and I just start to fade
He’s on the way to school and he’s in my head
I lie awake at night, drifting off to the thought of him and I and him and someone else and I roll over to find him not lying in my bed
It’s 3a.m. and I start sobbing and 9a.m. and I just want his arms around me
3 in the afternoon and I can’t open my eyes while I’m on the road but I just want him out of my head
He’s in my head telling me not to go to class
I can’t shake it but I want to so bad
But I don’t want to forget a single moment
He is the smoke in my lungs andthe shake in my hands
And the reason why speeding up on a sharp curve makes more sense than two plus two
I want so badly to run up to him and scream, “I fucking love you”
But he tells us both that it’s for the best
And I can still feel what it was like to fall asleep with my head on his chest
And I can’t, I fucking can’t  accept that he was just another lesson
Over a year of my life gone in sixty seconds

~Megan

People Leave (Accept That)

People leave. Accept that.

I am not afraid of someone walking out of my life, nor am I afraid of walking out of someone’s

If that’s how it has to be, then that is how it’s going to be. It’s not out of lack of fight, but out of the fact that I refuse to beg to stay.Or be where I am not wanted.

In regards to someone that you fell in love with:

The pain will go away. You will come across someone who has something completely different to offer you. And I know that different is scary, but different is good. And honestly…..different is kinda the point.

Do not be stupid and waste your time that you could be healing and to go running back to the same person who will forever be outstanding at manipulating your relentless heart. It’s just how you and that person work together because of who you are and how your souls chose to relate. And by “work,” I don’t mean that positively, dear. It’s just a statement.

If you’re wondering about whether or not you should keep trying or let go…think about the way that they would handle it if the responsibility was in their hands and only their hands…..are they empty?

I regards to someone that you loved and lost from this earth:

The pain will always be there. But you can’t change a damn thing. It’s shitty, but I genuinely do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you’ll find out in a month from now. Maybe 30 years from now. Maybe you will never know.

No matter who and when and how, do not dwell.

Do not hold on to the past. All you can do is move forward and you are the only one who has any control over that.

Just some advice.

~Megan